This fine summer sunshine is making it difficult to concentrate and write about my exciting “eureka” moment. And that’s frustrating because I’ve been thinking about it for days – but the words aren’t flowing.
Instead, my head is in the garden weeding the overgrown flower bed and I’m imagining the sun on my face and the grass beneath my bare feet.
I guess lots of us can be like that at times – head in one place, body in another – trying to get on with one thing, when we’d rather be somewhere else.
So, I’m dragging my mind back to the keyboard, to my discovery of spam and how it’s helping me to deal with my OCD.
Here goes! Lots of people get intrusive thoughts, but most aren’t worried by them. Those with OCD pay attention to their random, strange thinking. They dwell on it, often feeling guilty, bad and anxious. I know I certainly felt (can still feel) that way.
Through therapy, I’ve learnt this type of behaviour is common in people with OCD. We effectively place too much importance on our thoughts, particularly the negative ones.
I found it hard to make sense of. But one day at the computer I went into my spam or junk mail and as usual did a mass delete of the many nonsense messages, without reading a single one.
It was my “eureka” moment. I didn’t ask for all that computer spam and had no idea how it got there. I realised my intrusive thinking is the same – just internal spam.
I’ve been putting it to the test, and it’s working. The strange thoughts still drift in, but instead of “opening” them – I do an internal delete. Spam, get rid of it. And I focus more easily on what’s important, effectively my own mental inbox.
I realise now that for years, I’ve been like a computer on a go slow, whirring through thousands of horrid messages, clogging up the works, my undeleted spam. Unimportant, unrequested, irrelevant nonsense.
My mind feels freer than it has in a long while. I’ve got more to learn and I still pay too much attention to some of my spam, but it’s so empowering finding that delete button.
Finally, a quick run check in – I clocked up five miles this morning, cloudless blue sky, fresh air, glorious. Next week I might even get around to writing properly about my running – then again, I might not!
Now back to the garden and the sunshine :).