It’s been a strange topsy-turvy week.
To be perfectly honest, I’ve been feeling a bit rubbish for quite a lot of it, but I think I’m OK again now.
I’ve been over-worrying to the point where I kept beating myself up mentally with the same set of: “What if’s?”, “What if not’s?”, for days on end.
I know my underlying and primary worry is John’s health and wellbeing, but I managed to compound all those fears this week by obsessively worrying about an event I was organising in the village – “what if nobody comes……”, “what if they don’t enjoy it…..”
I spent quite a bit of time sitting on my bed dwelling on all the possible negative outcomes, in a very OCD like way.
Alongside the bedroom window in a honeysuckle bush there’s a chaffinch nest. All week the male has been throwing itself at the window, defending its territory and young against a scary, threatening beast – its own reflection.
I tried obscuring the glass but it kept coming back time after time banging its whole body up against the double glazing. Bam. Bam. Bam.
Seeing its self-inflicted pain and distress, I found myself calling out to it: “No bird, please don’t. Please stop.”
There was I, with sympathy, wanting to resolve this small bird’s inner struggle, but no solution and little compassion to my own.
“What am I like?! What is that bird like?!,” I wrote in my diary. “How will either of us find peace?”
Of course we all do it don’t we – worry about our families and friends, get uptight and nervous when we’re responsible for making something happen, when we do things that are out of the ordinary.
The mind goes around and around looking for a defence mechanism to protect ourselves and those we love, and looking for a solution to what we perceive as possible problems.
We saw the specialist today for John and had it confirmed that he’s had a stroke, probably some time ago. It was good to at least learn the cause of his health problems, and know what to expect and look out for.
The fundraising music night on Saturday went well. Not the largest crowd, but enough to create a good atmosphere and those who came enjoyed it and we made a bit of dosh too.
On my list of reminder notes to myself that morning, the last thing I wrote was: “STOP WORRYING!”
The thing is I am a worrier. I know it. But I try not to let it stop me doing things, getting out of my comfort zone, even though it’s hard sometimes.
I suppose I just have to accept that’s the way I am – in the same way the little chaffinch has his own not entirely productive defences.
Most often you come to the realisation there was nothing there to fear – it’s just your mind playing tricks on you.
And really – like that chaffinch – all fighting those imaginary foes does……..is give you a sore head.